It's Like, A Movie

I'm not really a mad housewife. I'm just a person who knows a lot about how working in advertising sets people on the path to ruin while somehow making them feel special, like Dorothy on the yellow brick road, knowing it's dangerous but powerless to do anything about it while skipping into a den of sinister flying monkeys. And actually, from what I've seen, agencies typically contain the same staff of crazies as the characters in the Wizard of Oz. Pre-acid, pre-war filmmaking had nothing on what goes on today in advertising.

So let's start with the slightly paunchy late-forty-something Creative Director and cast him as the Wizard, wearing hip sneakers and nerdy non-prescription glasses to make seem (ironically) younger and (impossibly) smarter than he is. His cast of lackeys keeps him in chilled, name-brand Kombucha and carefully tallies which witty lines have been used on which clients ("Let me introduce you to my best friends, 'Smoke' and 'Mirrors'? Ha-ha!" and "That's a long way to go for a ham sandwich!")

Hoping to knock Mr. Wizard off his throne are the myriad agency munchkins, dressed in a variety of costumes depending on what job they do. And as is the case with the Lollipop Guild and Lullaby League midgets (can I use that word, midgets?), it's often hard to tell the difference between a creative department lackey, an account lackey and a media lackey just by looking at them. A wardrobe identification and system of mannerisms (WISM) is definitely in order. When I run out of things to do in my life, I will design a fancy WISM chart with colors, icons and cross-referencing, but for now, here's my (deeply opinionated) rundown:

Assistant Media Planner Munchkin: Wears black and that 'put away wet' expression. Frequently referred to as the village bicycle (everyone's had a ride!) and often seen darting for the door, eye makeup running, in order to lean back against the brick wall outside, stare up at the sky and petulantly blow cigarette smoke out her nose. A decade ago this type pioneered the wearing of tiny fashion backpacks as purses (black, leather, utterly useless) and more recently has proven a quick mark for the uber-utilitarian fashion trends of pointy shoes, short-sleeved coats, skinny jeans and upwardly mobile thongs. Has perfected the art of making mountains out of molehills, purely by accident. (Not your smartest team member, natch.)

The Tech Geek Munchkin: The anti-hero (and therefore, My Hero) of advertising, this type has chocolate donuts and Red Bull for breakfast, lunch and dinner, as long as someone is watching. (Wouldn't you be surprised to see your A.V. guy enjoying a nice, quiet plate of supergreens at his desk with a bottle of '97 Chianti breathing nearby?) After all, he has an image to uphold: he's supposed to be nerdy, fat and unhealthy, all of which make him irretrievably cooler than the people he works for. Spends his time building clients' widgets, apps and widge-apps, playing Tetris, and giving coworkers the finger behind his comic book. Probably the happiest person at the agency due to lack of contact with clients.